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Jenny must be right. I am a closed book. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM. He dropped me at college that night and took my phone number.But my first sex was a gay sex but I felt great and it pain too much.After a week he called and asked to come to outside the college and he was waiting and shave all the hair on your body.I shaved all the private hair and my body is clean.He took me this time to another house and I asked whose place is this but he never replied.When we went inside there are two men and then he said:”This is the guy I said and he will be with you until evening and I will come then”.Then I realized that he made a male prostitute.One of them stood and asked me to remove my dress and I did the same.After looking at my naked body, the other said”We got a young cock John, let’s bang it.By the way, I am Shyam”.Now both removed their dresses and became naked.John set a table and asked me to lay on backward that and I did the same.Now he started to put his cock in my ass and started to push it slowly and Shyam came to other side and put his cock and.
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